The snippet I have for this week is the third 250 or so words of my latest short story contest entry which is titled “A Pinch of Sugar.” Last week the main character named Alex met up with Haley and now they are headed to his room. A word of information I had to leave out two paragraphs in the first part of this in order to keep this a family friendly blog. If you feel you need it to get the full feel of the floe you can message me with your e-mail address.
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Their lips met in the elevator. Alex felt immediately like he had too much to drink, but it was this woman’s effect on him. He pressed her up against the wall of the elevator as he allowed his hands to trace her waist and hips. He wanted to do more, but knew it had to wait a few minutes.
Her lips were soft as cotton and he imagined he could kiss them all night. In fact that was what he hoped would happen, that he could spend the entire night with this woman. They moved apart slightly as he deepened the kiss.
When the floor bell sounded, they separated quickly holding hands as a way to maintain their connection. Alex exited first and tugged her along as she giggled happily. His room was just off the elevator, by the time they entered the door he was already breathing hard.
EXCERPT MISSING – See note above
An announcement from the pilot that they were beginning their descent drew him back into the present. Alex could feel the same tingle in his body he felt that first night with Haley. He checked his watch to see he only had a few more minutes to wait before this beautiful woman would be within his reach again. He drummed his fingers on the armrest in impatience as every moment seemed to pass like an hour.
An announcement from the pilot that they were beginning their descent drew him back into the present. Alex could feel the same tingle in his body he felt that first night with Haley. He checked his watch to see he only had a few more minutes to wait before this beautiful woman would be within his reach again. He drummed his fingers on the armrest in impatience as every moment seemed to pass like an hour.
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Sorry I am just starting to catch up on some of this tour. Great use of descriptive words. “He drummed his fingers on the armrest” you can tell he’s impatient and could even cut out “in impatience” to tighten it up. You do a good job with word choice on showing what you mean and don’t need to add tell words – such as impatience.
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I think “Alex felt immediately like he had too much to drink, but it was this woman’s effect on him” might do better without the second half of the sentence. I could tell what you meant without it.
Great description of the make-out–good thing there wasn’t anyone in the hallway!
Fascinating….
Last two paragraph, ‘tingle’ is repeated. Maybe find another variation?