This is my first time on the Blog Hop, but I am excited to get the opportunity to interact with others on our stories. The snippet I have offered for your enter
tainment is the first 250 or so words of my latest short story contest entry which is titles “A Pinch of Sugar.”
If you think you would like to join this fun check out Jennifer Eaton’s blog for more information.
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The airport bustled with activity on this Friday evening. Incoming and outgoing flights created a never ending sea of souls traveling to all corners of the world. Alex was one of many, just like he wanted. He could blend in to the other faces and be on his way to his weekend of fun.
He filed out the door with the other passengers to the small turbo prop plane. He could not stop thinking about his weekend plans. It had been four weeks since he was able to spend time with Haley and that was entirely too long. His job and life were in a city hours away.
This rendezvous was planned before the last ended, but Alex had been on edge about the success of making it happen until just about a day before. Some slick maneuvering on his part made everything work and the reaction he received from her was everything he needed to hear.
Once he was seated on the plane he exhaled loudly, allowing the tension to leave his body. It had been a hard week at work. New projects demanded a lot of time from everyone and Alex was no exception. He was in the office well after dark and back in the next day as early as possible. He had promises of promotion on the line that he was concentrating on. This new position could be anywhere within the company including the city printed on his airline ticket.
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Joe's Musings 
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Oh! No one commented yet! I’ve already added you to the master list, so they should come next week. Also, try to hop around other contributors, and they may return the favor.
Here’s my looksie:
The airport bustled with activity on this Friday evening. Incoming and outgoing flights created a never ending sea of souls traveling to all corners of the world. Alex was one of many, just like he wanted. He could blend in to the other faces and be on his way to his weekend of fun. [[THIS FRIDAY – AND WAS ONE OF MANY FEELS LIKE TENSE SWITCHING TO ME. WHAT TENSE DO YOU WANT TO BE IN?]]
He filed out the door with the other passengers to the small turbo prop plane. He could not stop thinking about his weekend plans. It had been four weeks since he was able to spend time with Haley and that was entirely too long. His job and life were in a city hours away.
[FOR SOME REASON i’M NOT GETTING DRAWN IN. i’M NOT SURE WHY YET.]]
This rendezvous was planned before the last ended, but Alex had been on edge about the success of making it happen until just about a day before. Some slick maneuvering on his part made everything work and the reaction he received from her was everything he needed to hear. [[I THINK I’M NOT GETTING DRAWN IN BECAUSE I’M NOT SURE WHAT’S GOING ON – EXCEPT FOR GETTING ON A PLANE]]
Once he was seated on the plane he exhaled loudly, allowing the tension to leave his body. It had been [IF YOU CAN, AVOID PASSIVE TENSE]] a hard week at work. New projects demanded a lot of time from everyone and Alex was no exception. He was in the office well after dark and back in the next day as early as possible. He had promises of promotion on the line that he was concentrating on. This new position could be anywhere within the company including the city printed on his airline ticket.
OKAY– I THINK THE PROBLEM IS THAT THE ONLY THING THAT HAPPENS IN THIS 250 WORDS IS THAT HE WALKS OUT TO A PLANE, AND SITS DOWN. I NEED SOME SETTING DESCRIPTION TO LET ME FEEL THE PLANE AROUND HIM. WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER PEOPLE? ARE THEY ANNOYING HIM? DO THEY SMELL FUNNY? IS IT RAINING? IS THERE HEAT COMING OFF THE PLANE?
GIVE ME SETTING TO HELP ME TO “BE THERE” WITH YOUR CHARACTER. ALSO, TRY NOT TO DUMP TOO MUCH INFORMATION AT ONCE. AND IF YOU CAN DO IT WITH DIALOG, ALL THE BETTER. THE READER WANTS TO KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING NOW, AND THEY WANT TO BE SHOWN, RATHER THAN TOLD ALL AT ONCE JUST TO GET A STORY GOING.
DOES THIS MAKE SENSE? I HOPE SO. SHOOT ME AN EMAIL IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS, AND GOOD LUCK!
Thanks Jennifer for all this great feed back. I can see your points and will take them and make some changes.
Good luck!
i have clicked on several of the others in the hop but have not found many posts titled for the blog hop.
They would have posted last Sunday. There are done who sighed up but don’t always post.
The last line of the third paragraph has somehow ended up on the end of the last paragraph. You could tighten it up a bit deleting several ‘he’ did this he did that. Not sure but maybe swap the airport scene with the description of his work to get him there with more urgency. He is struggling for promotion but also craves seeing his girl. Just a thought – ply with it a bit.
Thanks Mandy. It is good to get some opinions and compare styles.
Hey, welcome to the Blog Hop! Since you’re not on the list yet, have you critiqued other people from it so they know you’re here?
Love Alex’s sense of urgency–the planning and maneuvering to get what he wants.
I think some cutting and pasting went wrong in your snippet.
“Some slick maneuvering on his part made everything work and the reaction he received from her was every (<——Right here)
Once he was seated on the plane[…]"
And then the end:
"This new position could be anywhere within the company including the city printed on his airline ticket.thing he needed to hear."
The "thing he needed to hear." bit goes at the arrow above, right?
I like where you're going with this. I can't tell if this is a simple long-distance relationship, or if there's some other kind of subterfuge happening. He seems concerned about anonymity, which makes me think he's doing something shady.
Maybe you could give a hint at his job? Even "New (applicable noun here) projects demanded[…]" would give me a better sense of Alex.
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